The Ballad of Daleville Dan

Just thought I would post my latest in a long series of rants about all the stray cats running through my neighborhood. Don't get me wrong, I normally like cats, but these particular cats seem to have chosen my front yard for their community gathering, shitting, territory marking, and fornicating place.

This little dity came to me after my dog ran off chasing a cat the other day.  It was innocent, really. My grandson was at the house and wanted to go outside. He opened the door, and my dog spotting a cat in the front yard, so he quickly tore past my grandson, out the door, and after the cat.

Well, we all know by now, my city "aint got no ordnance 'gainst cats." (a direct quote from our local police station) but they sure got one for unleashed dogs. Did I mention my dog was not wearing a leash? So, here goes. This is a poem, or song, of sorts, sang to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song.

This here's a story 'bout Daleville Dan
And how one day, he got thrown into the can
from his dog gettin' lose, and doin' what he should
to the feline nemisis throughout the neighborhood.

Cats, that is. Felis Catus. Los Gatos.

Well, the next thing you know, the po' po's at the door
and Daleville Dan said, "What you here for?"
The cop said, "Got no ordnance for the cats don't ya' see
but we got one for dogs, so you're comin' with me."

Jail, that is. The Bighouse. Calaboose.

When he got sprung from jail, his dog had made it home
sittin' on the porch, and chewin' on a bone.
He surveyed his yard and said, "Isn't this swell?"
Dead cats all in the yard, and the dog has eaten well.

Cats, that is. Felis Catus. Los Gatos.

Gotta love Daleville Dan!


  1. Clever!
    Does he chase squirrels as well?

  2. I don't want to sound like a weirdo, but have you ever thought about "Havahart" traps? Trap cats and relocate them. Drive them miles away from your house and drop them off. Or take them to the humane society? I don't know. I guess that would be a lot to take on.

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  4. JKA-Not weird at all. I, I mean ... ur, Daleville Dan, actually used a trap and was successful in catching five cats in so many days. I, uh, he called the humane society and they told him that they would be glad to put him on a waiting list to bring the cats in. That wouldn't work at all. That waiting list was over six weeks, and those poor cats would starve to death in that cage by then.

    So, Dan did the next best thing; he drove them fifteen miles down a country road across two highways, a river, and a railroad, and dropped them off outside the gated fence of the local humane society. He figured that was the humane thing to do, and besides, those folks probably wouldn't mind if the cats waited for the next six weeks outside their door.

    It all seemed like a good plan at the time, but now Dan is just a little fearful, getting that feeling one gets when reading a Stephen King novel alone in the dark, because there's more cats than ever pacing his front lawn, looking at him with those evil little cat eyes ... and they look uncannily like the cats he had, just a few months before, dropped off at what he though would be their new home. What Daleville Dan thinks they need in his town, are a few more Asian style restaurants! That's the best way to make cats disappear.


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