Wednesday, March 3, 2010

How Women Think

Right, like I would know that.

I'm not even certain about how I think most of the time. I know this much though. Over many years observing the female in the wild and in her natural habitat, I've been able to decifer some of their language.

Below are some of my thougts and observations on womanspeak. Of course, I could be entirely wrong about some or all of these interpretations as, it seems, each woman has her own unique language that only other women understand. I believe the language will never be fully understood, decifered, or codified.

First of all, and this is for all the young men out there, in a new relationship where they think might think they are still in charge. Got news for you gentlemen, you never were.

When a woman asks a man how she looks in something, she is not looking for an objective assessment of her ability to dress herself. She may not even be looking for an answer related to the question asked. Beware, this is a very dangerous trap.

You must avoid answering this question at any cost as there is no right answer. And don't even begin to think you've got it figured out and tell her she lools wonderful. She will smell your insincerity like a shark smells blood. Your best line of defense against this is to simply fake an obstruction in your throat and leave the room as if your hair were on fire.

Believe me, I've fallen into this trap many times. If the answer comes too quick or too slow, you've already lost. If you tell her she's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, she will ask you how many others you've seen - the conversation can only go down hill from there.

And don't think that you are in anyway qualified to provide any statement about the fit or fashion of her clothing. She knows you have no fashion sense. And if you do, you're probably already in a relationship with another man and this will not change her expectations of the appropriate answer.

I have been made aware of my lack of fashion sense. I've always been very proud if I can fully dress myself with both socks matching. When I'm at the top of my game, I can usually even match a top and a bottom as long as they are both the same or contrasting colors.

When one is in an argument with a woman and she says "Fine" that means "Shut up, I'm right, and I'm done talking to you."

If a woman says "Do whatever you want" it DOES NOT mean to do whatever you want.

It means that she is done trying to convince you that she is right and you'd better re-think your needs or wants.

I have a whole notebook full of notes I've accumulated over the years. Problem is, the phrases I managed to decifer years ago no longer apply because "woman language" seems to change and increase in complexity over time.

I would like to add this for the few women out there that have not learned "man language" although I'm not sure there are any that weren't givin the keys to the "man kingdom" by the time they were thirteen years old.

When a man says "You look (smell) great (wonderful, beautiful, ravishing) he wants sex. Otherwise, he is hungry.

When a man asks how you're doing, please try and keep your answer to no more than one or two words such as "Fine" or "Good." the use of more than three words in your response or the use of words with more than two syllables will confuse the man. His eyes will gloss over and his hearing will fade.

I must caution you that the use of the word "Fine" at anytime may send the man into nervous fits or possibly epileptic seizure. Due the aforementioned knowledge (or confusion) to exactly what "Fine" means, some men's brains will simply overheat and shutdown any time this word is mentioned.

This is why you will seldom hear one man use the word "Fine" with another man.

I will have to continue this lesson later as my wife just asked me what I would like to do for dinner and I must weight my options, check the frig, and hope I can come up with the appropriate answer before bedtime.