A Little Dity

Here's a little something I wrote a few years back. I suppose most would classify this in the "weird" category, although I don't see what is so weird about it.

Okay, maybe it's a little weird. This is another piece of flash fiction I wrote for Eclectic Flash Magazine. At the time they limited their flash fiction to 750 words, and this comes in at 749 words, so it was a good fit.

For those of you that might find this little story too hard to stomach, keep in mind that it is written in an epistolary format. That means that the story progresses through a series of letters, or in this case, emails.

So, here it is, for your enjoyment:

MY MIND’S EYE

 

29 January

All-seeing Sophia,

I send you this email from a hospital bed. After using your email psychic service for many years, I should be afforded proper readings and predictions of my future. If you truly are psychic, you should tell me to be more careful.

Yesterday afternoon, just after receiving your cryptic email, I was hit by a Wal-mart truck full of “Dr. Thunder” soda. I would think that getting rear-ended by a truck would be something you could easily foresee.

My next correspondence will likely be from my lawyer.

Good day,

Jonathan Tischel

 

30 January

Jonathan,

You might recall, as I certainly do, my exact words were, “Take heed the rolling thunder as its love hits you like a tidal wave, bringing you sweetness and effervescence.”

My website states, “All-seeing Sophia” is not responsible for any event, real or perceived, that may, or may not be attributable to predictions made by said entity.”

In consideration of your current and rather painful predicament, I am willing to offer you a fifty-percent discount on a future service of my choosing.

 
All-seeing Sophia

 

 

2 February

All-seeing Sophia,

Point taken, Sophia, but frankly, I interpreted your message to mean that I would find love, or rather, love would find me. What I received instead, was a fast ride to the hospital in an ambulance. Although, I must say, the nurse was nice.

Do you have any prediction on a future with her?

Jonathan Tischel

 

 

3 February

Jonathan,

Love impresses upon your eye and punctures from arrears. Beware, from behind you comes love and pain.

All-seeing Sophia

 

 

4 February

Sophia,

Once again, I have failed to understand your cryptic message. It seems you are telling me that, again I will be slain but not see it coming.

I certainly wish that I had eyes in the back of my head with the way you predict my fortunes, or rather, misfortunes.

On a more civil note, it seems I had left my wallet in the hospital and the nurse I met called me to give it back. She seems very nice. We have our first date tomorrow.

Your friend Jonathan

 

 

9 February

Jonathan,

Wish granted.

Please notice in your next statement, the discount applied.

All-seeing Sophia

 

 

14 February

All-seeing Sophia:

I am very disappointed in your services to the point of anger. Do I understand correctly in assuming that Rochelle was not the wish you granted? I am in disdain of your cruel sense of humor.

I woke this morning with a terrible ache in my eye. I groggily left my bed to wash my face with cool water. The water did not sooth my aching eye and, upon closer inspection, I was horrified to discover that THE EYE WAS IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD!

HOW COULD YOU!

Just combing my hair was terribly painful. By the way, I only have one eye back there. I can’t make out distances, I just run into walls and doors. My hair covers the eye and it becomes irritated and painful by day’s end.

Furthermore, I had a very romantic Valentine’s evening planned with Rochelle but you ruined that as well. For the first time since our meeting, she quickly embraced me in her doorway. As we pulled close into the inevitable kiss I was sure would seal our love, she moved her lovely hands over my shoulders and into my hair. In my enamored condition, I forgot about the eye and, of course, had not told Rochelle. Just as I felt the warmth of her lips so close to mine, she poked me in the eye!

She was completely disgusted and I was in no shape to explain as I was reeling from the pain and trying to keep my own hair out of my watering eye. Now, Rochelle will not answer my calls.

Lastly, I spoke to my lawyer and he believes we have a viable case. Our next conversation may be in court – and in person!

Jonathan Tischle

 

 

17 February

Mr. Tischle:

I am writing on behalf of All-seeing Sophia. The Law firm of Adleman, Forrester, and Klemisch has concluded that your case against our client is without warrant. We have taken the initiative and spoken with your lawyer. There is no case.

Additionally, the accounting firm of Wallace & Sons wished to have our legal firm relay this message: “You get what you pay for – at fifty percent.”

Condolences,

Adleman, Forrester, and Klemisch