Tuesday, June 12, 2012

10 Things to Remember if You Want to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Lately, there's been much talk about the coming zombie apocalypse. Movies and television are all over the subject, depicting how life might be after the apocalypse in nearly every conceivable way. Some of the media do a decent job of depicting how society might act in the name of survival after the event but others are misleading at best. So, to ensure you have the best chance of survival after the zombie apocalypse, I've made a list of ten things you will need to understand if you hope to live longer than twelve hours after you realize your aunt Mable and uncle Frank have transformed into flesh-eating monsters.

1. Friends?
You have no friends - Don't think you're going be meeting any new friends after the zombie apocalypse. Most anybody you meet will be looking out for themselves and/or their immediate families. You'd be surprised just how far a person is willing to go, or who they're willing to kill (zombie or not) to protect themselves and their loved ones. In fact, it would be wise to watch your own family closely. You never know when Sister Suzy is going to turn, and you must be prepared to do what is necessary to preserve the rest of the family. Don't get any ideas about saving family members that are turned to zombies. Once you've gone zombie, there ain't no coming back--it's a one-way trip and any zombie should be considered dead as soon as they turn.

2. Home is where the heart (and untainted brain) is.
All that BS you see in the movies and on television about getting together a group and forming some kind of flower-holding, people-hugging, share-and-share-alike commune in the 'safe zone' is hookie. If you try to negotiate the badlands without a whole bunch of weaponry and a truck to carry all the ammo you'll need, you're just asking to get killed, or worse yet, turned. Your efforts would best be utilized securing your home rather than leaving it. The only exception might be if you live in an urban area and the community is overrun with zombies. But then, you might be out of luck anyway so you still might be better off just locking yourself in and waiting out the horde.

3. Stocking up.
There is much dispute over what kind of foods one should stock up on in preparation for the coming zombie apocalypse. Some so-called experts say to get hold of as much freeze-dried (or astronaut) foods as possible. Those are the advocates of travel. I'm not an advocate of travel during the zombie apocalypse. While there is certainly nothing wrong with freeze-dried foods, their disadvantages outweigh advantages. First off, canned foods can perform double-duty as weaponry in a pinch. If you stock up on actual 'cans' of food, you can always throw them at zombies if your circumstances are dire and you are just trying to slow them down. Another advantage to canned food is the water content. Freeze-dried food needs water, and sometimes heat, to reconstitute. The last thing one needs while holed up during the zombie apocalypse is to run out of water, which leads to the next item.

4. Secure your water.
One can survive for weeks, or even a month without food but only days without water. During the coming zombie apocalypse, water will become not only a resource but a commodity. Water is the one thing most take for granted until it's no longer available. Within days of the outbreak of the zombie apocalypse, one can assume water and utility systems will cease to function. The best short-term solution in this situation is to purchase a product called the 'Aqua Pod' system. This water bag fits into your bathtub and can be purchased in capacities up to one hundred gallons. The bag can be placed and filled at the first sign of zombie breakout. Keep in mind that, as a minimum, each person needs at least one gallon of water per day just to survive. So, under the best circumstances, a one hundred gallon aqua pod will sustain a family of five for up to twenty days. Of course, if you find yourself in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, you're not under the best circumstances. Always have a backup plan for more sustainable water sources such as local ponds, roof run off or hidden supply storage. Also, Don't be a moron and start using your stored water as soon as the bag is filled. Continue to use utility water sources as long as they are available. Water purification systems are a must, even if local utility water systems are still operational. Remember, the water may still flow but there will be no one recharging the chlorine stations along the water's path.

5. Medical supplies.
One of the best things one can do to ensure survival during the zombie apocalypse is to have proper medical supplies on hand. I'm not talking about that little red pouch with a white cross on it you bought at Walmart. A cheap little plastic kit with outdated band aids and a minuscule tube of antibiotic ointment won't cut it in the all out kill or be killed battlefield of the zombie apocalypse. For this level of survival you'll need something with a little more bite. Your best best is to stuff a satchel with enough gauze to cover your body twice, Ibuprofen, not that weak-ass acetaminophen, and a good supply of blood-clotting agent. You'll also want a surgical sewing kit and antibiotics you can't get over-the-counter. Yes, my fellow survivors, for the kind of antibiotics you'll need in this war, you'll have to go to your local pet store. I'm talking fish antibiotics.

6. Fall back plan.
As soon as you've secured your primary domicile, you'll want to scout out a fall back position in case your primary residence is overrun. This may even involve digging yourself an alternate means of escape with a ready source of transportation available. Speaking of transportation, now's as good time as any to discuss mobility.

7. Transportation.
If you must move about during the zombie apocalypse, then remember this:  Size Matters! I know times are tough right now and you're driving around in that six hundred pound, low-slung hybrid, but during the coming zombie apocalypse, that ain't gonna cut it. I'm not saying you have to go out and buy yourself that shiny new 4X4 that appeals to your Southern sensibilities, but you might just start looking in your neighbor's yard now to lay claim on their 4X4 after they turn and you shoot them. I know that may seem harsh but if you are unsure about the moral implications of shooting your friends in the head, refer to item number one.

8. Weaponry.
One rule I've learned about guns while living in the South is that you can never have too many. While this is certainly true if you've got the ammo to go them, it may not be so advantageous when a massive horde of hungry zombies have just scratched a hole in the front door, and are coming through as you stand there with your Czech-made CZ45 pocket pistol in .25 calibre and only two cartridges to your name. Your best bet is to gather up a few weapons of varying caliber and place them throughout your house where they can be best utilized. A 30-06 with a scope is a great long range rifle and should be placed near upstairs windows where a sentry can start shooting zombies from a distance. The advantage here is that, from a great distance, one might also shoot a lone runner in the stomach or leg and then pick off as much of the zombie horde one by one as they converge on the wounded human. I know it sounds sick to do something like this, but hey this is survival after all. Although the cartridges are slightly less popular at this time, a .270 also makes a great long-range weapon. The kick is less and the bullet flies straighter in this caliber. Nothing beats an assortment of 12 gauge shotguns near the entrances in case the horde gets through. A nine millimeter or .22 caliber handgun (never a revolver) should be worn at all times and used when all other longer-range weaponry is exhausted. As a last resort, one should also carry some kind of melee weapon such as an axe, axe handle, baseball bat, good curved-blade sword, or a simple spike made of metal. Of course, if you are stuck inside a building with a horde of zombies on you and nothing left but a baseball bat, I'm sorry to say but you're probably not going to make it. This would be a good time to consider sacrificing yourself to allow your loved-ones an escape.

9. Keep on Keeping on.
Most of the items discussed so far have dealt with short-term survival. It is equally important to gear your thinking toward the long-term. Sooner or later your water supply is going to run out, your canned food is going to get eaten or thrown at zombies. So, you must have within your grand plans, some methods of sustainment. First, consider where you're going to get water. A simple shallow well may not give you a source of water your local utilities would approve of but, if sterilized, will keep you alive indefinitely. Keep seeds from the vegetables you eat so you can plant them later. If you live in house with a flat roof, or have a carport with a relatively flat roof, you have a potential garden area that is safe from wandering zombies. Just make sure your structure can support the added weight of the dirt you'll have to heave onto the roof. Consider composting early to help your garden grow. Be cautious about shooting wild animals or livestock in the area. Your best bet is to shoot them early because the longer they are exposed, the greater the chance they will be infected. Meat can be dried, salted and preserved for future consumption. Also, don't hesitate to shoot you family pet for food. I know it sounds morbid, but you can think of it as one more thing they've provided you. Besides, chances are, you'll end up shooting them when they're turned anyway, but then you can't eat them.

10. Adhere to the Girl Scout Motto.
Yep, all this stuff I'm talking about should be considered BEFORE the initial breakout spawning the zombie apocalypse. BE PREPARED. Gather your supplies beforehand and make at least an initial plan for survival. While I meant for this post to be a long drawn-out, comedic look at future possibilities, it really is a serious matter. I'm not saying that the zombie apocalypse is impending but my main point of being prepared can be useful for any possible natural or man made disaster. This same information can apply whether you find yourself in the midst of a storm, tornado, or even economic collapse.

What are your thoughts? Do have any advice you'd like to add to help others prepare for natural or man made disasters, or even the zombie apocalypse?